Working with Parts

You may sometimes hear me talk about different ‘parts’ of you in our sessions.

This can sound a little strange at first, but the idea behind parts work is actually very simple. We all have different sides to ourselves — and sometimes those different sides can want completely different things.

One part of you might desperately want to make a change, while another is frightened of what will happen if you do. You might have a part that is incredibly hard on you when you make a mistake, alongside another that feels small, vulnerable and never quite good enough. Or perhaps there’s a part of you that wants to be close to other people, while another keeps them firmly at arm’s length.

We often experience this as “I know this doesn’t make sense, but…” or “I don’t understand why I keep doing this.” Parts work can help us make sense of those contradictions.

Why do we have different parts?

Many of our parts develop as ways of helping us cope with what is happening around us, particularly when we are younger.

Perhaps you learned to keep everyone happy because conflict felt frightening. Maybe you became fiercely independent because relying on other people didn’t always feel safe. You might have developed a very critical part that constantly pushes you to do better because, somewhere along the way, you learned that getting things right was important.

Other parts may hold feelings that were difficult to manage at the time — fear, sadness, shame, anger or loneliness, for example.

What is important is that we don’t see these parts as being ‘bad’ or something we need to get rid of. However frustrating they might be now, they often developed for a reason.

But something that helped you cope when you were younger may not be quite so helpful in your life today.

What does working with parts actually involve?

Rather than battling with a part of yourself or telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you do, we become curious about it.

What is this part worried about? What is it trying to stop from happening? When did it first learn that it needed to respond in this way? And what might it need from you now?

We can begin to notice when a particular part has taken over and understand what has triggered it, rather than automatically getting swept along by the thoughts, feelings or behaviours that come with it.

Sometimes simply creating a little space between you and the part that is reacting can make an enormous difference. Instead of “I’m a failure”, for example, we might notice “there’s a part of me that feels like a failure right now.”

That may sound like a small distinction, but it gives us somewhere to work from.

How does parts work fit with EMDR?

Parts work can be particularly helpful alongside EMDR. Sometimes a part of you is very ready to process a difficult experience, while another part is absolutely not.

Rather than trying to push past that resistance, we can listen to it and understand what that part is frightened might happen.

Because very often, the part of you that appears to be getting in the way isn’t actually trying to make your life difficult.

It may simply be trying, in the only way it knows how, to keep you safe.